When Harry Met Sally Read online

  SALLY Six years ago.

  MARIE So he might not be married anymore.

  SALLY Also he’s obnoxious.

  MARIE This is just like in the movies, remember, like The Lady Vanishes, where she says to him, “You are the most obnoxious man I have ever met”—

  SALLY (correcting her) —“the most contemptible”—

  MARIE And then they fall madly in love.

  SALLY Also, he never remembers me.

  HARRY Sally Albright—

  SALLY Hi, Harry—

  HARRY I thought it was you.

  SALLY It is. This is Marie …

  Marie is exiting down the stairs. She waves goodbye.

  SALLY (CONT’D) … was Marie.

  Sally turns back to Harry.

  HARRY How are you?

  SALLY Fine.

  HARRY How’s Joe?

  SALLY Fine. I hear he’s fine.

  HARRY You’re not with Joe anymore?

  SALLY We just broke up.

  HARRY Oh, I’m sorry. That’s too bad.

  SALLY Yeah, well, you know. Yeah. (beat) So, what about you?

  HARRY I’m fine.

  SALLY How’s married life?

  HARRY Not so good. I’m getting a divorce.

  SALLY Oh, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.

  HARRY Yeah. Well. What are you going to do? What happened with you guys?

  CUT TO:

  INT. RESTAURANT—DAY

  Sally and Harry having a glass of wine.

  SALLY When Joe and I started seeing each other, we wanted exactly the same thing. We wanted to live together, but we didn’t want to get married because every time anyone we knew got married, it ruined their relationship. They practically never had sex again. It’s true, it’s one of the secrets no one ever tells you. I would sit around with my girlfriends who have kids—well, actually, my one girlfriend who has kids, Alice—and she would complain about how she and Gary never did it anymore. She didn’t even complain about it, now that I think about it. She just said it matter-of-factly. She said they were up all night, they were both exhausted all the time, the kids just took every sexual impulse they had out of them. And Joe and I used to talk about it, and we’d say we were so lucky to have this wonderful relationship, we can have sex on the kitchen floor and not worry about the kids walking in, we can fly off to Rome on a moment’s notice. And then one day I was taking Alice’s little girl for the afternoon because I’d promised to take her to the circus, and we were in a cab playing “I Spy”—I spy a mailbox, I spy a lamppost—and she looked out the window and she saw this man and this woman with these two little kids, the man had one of the kids on his shoulders, and Alice’s little girl said, “I spy a family,” and I started to cry. You know, I just started crying. And I went home, and I said, “The thing is, Joe, we never do fly off to Rome on a moment’s notice.”

  HARRY And the kitchen floor?

  SALLY Not once. It’s this very cold, hard Mexican ceramic tile. Anyway, we talked about it for a long time, and I said, this is what I want, and he said, well, I don’t, and I said, well, I guess it’s over, and he left. And the thing is, I feel really fine. I am over him. I mean, I really am over him. That was it for him, that was the most he could give, and every time I think about it, I’m more and more convinced I did the right thing.

  HARRY Boy, you sound really healthy.

  SALLY (not totally) Yeah.

  CUT TO:

  EXT. 77TH STREET WALK—DUSK

  Harry and Sally walking together. The sun is setting.

  SALLY At least I got the apartment.

  HARRY That’s what everybody says to me, too. But really, what’s so hard about finding an apartment? What you do is, you read the obituary column. Yeah. You find out who died, go to the building, and then you tip the doorman. What they can do to make it easier is to combine the obituaries with the real estate section, see, and then you have, “Mr. Klein died today, leaving a wife, two children, and a spacious three-bedroom apartment with a wood-burning fireplace.”

  Sally laughing. A nice moment.

  HARRY You know, the first time we met, I really didn’t like you that much—

  SALLY I didn’t like you.

  HARRY Yeah, you did. You were just so uptight then. You’re much softer now.

  SALLY You know, I hate that kind of remark. It sounds like a compliment, but really it’s an insult.

  HARRY Okay, you’re still as hard as nails.

  SALLY I just didn’t want to sleep with you, so you had to write it off as a character flaw instead of dealing with the possibility that it might have something to do with you.

  HARRY What’s the statute of limitations on apologies?

  SALLY Ten years.

  HARRY Ooh. I can just get in under the wire.

  Sally smiles, then after a beat, she makes the smallest of moves.

  SALLY Would you like to have dinner with me sometime?

  HARRY (not knowing quite how to take this) Are we becoming friends now?

  SALLY Well, (this is not what she meant) yeah.

  HARRY Great. A woman friend. You know, you may be the first attractive woman I’ve not wanted to sleep with in my entire life.

  SALLY (slightly rejected) That’s wonderful, Harry.

  As they continue to walk along, we—

  FADE OUT.

  FADE IN:

  DOCUMENTARY FOOTAGE

  An OLDER COUPLE on a love seat.

  FOURTH MAN We were both born in the same hospital.

  FOURTH WOMAN (overlaps) In 1921.

  FOURTH MAN Seven days apart.

  FOURTH WOMAN In the same hospital.

  FOURTH MAN We both grew up one block away from each other.

  FOURTH WOMAN (overlaps) We both lived in tenements.

  FOURTH MAN On the Lower East Side.

  FOURTH WOMAN On Delancey Street.

  FOURTH MAN My family moved to the Bronx when I was ten.

  FOURTH WOMAN (overlaps) He lived on Fordham Road.

  FOURTH MAN Hers moved when she was eleven.

  FOURTH WOMAN (overlaps) I lived on 183rd Street.

  FOURTH MAN For six years she worked on the fifteenth floor—

  FOURTH MAN FOURTH WOMAN

  —as a nurse where I had a practice on the fourteenth floor of the very same I worked for a very prominent neurologist, Dr. Bemmelman. building.

  FOURTH MAN FOURTH WOMAN

  We never met. We never met. Can you imagine that?

  FOURTH MAN You know where we met? In an elevator—

  FOURTH WOMAN I was visiting family.

  FOURTH MAN —in the Ambassador Hotel in Chicago, Illinois.

  FOURTH WOMAN (overlaps) He was on the third floor, I was on the twelfth.

  FOURTH MAN I rode up nine extra floors just to keep talking to her.

  FOURTH WOMAN Nine extra floors.

  FADE OUT.

  FADE IN:

  A TIGHT SHOT of one of those toy felt birds that somehow is able to miraculously keep dunking its beak into a glass of mater.

  WIDER TO REVEAL:

  INT. HARRY’S OFFICE—DAY

  Harry is sitting in his office staring blankly at this ornithological phenomenon. As Harry stares, we hear the sound of a phone RINGING. It is picked up by Sally.

  SALLY (Voice-over) Hello.

  HARRY (Voice-over) You sleeping?

  SALLY (Voice-over) No, I was watching Casablanca.

  HARRY (Voice-over) Channel, please.

  SALLY (Voice-over) Eleven.

  HARRY (Voice-over) Thank you. Got it.

  As Harry continues to stare at the bird, we hear a few lines of dialogue from Casablanca: “Of all the gin joints …” etc.

  As the Casablanca dialogue continues, we—

  CUT TO:

  INT. SALLY’S OFFICE—DAY

  Sally is at her desk, doing business on the telephone. A woman walks in, hands her something.

  HARRY (Voice-over) Now, you’re telling me you would be happier with Victor Laszlo t
han with Humphrey Bogart?

  The woman walks offscreen as Sally looks at the magazine on her desk, hangs up phone.

  SALLY (Voice-over) When did I say that?

  HARRY (Voice-over) When we drove to New York.

  Sally turns to her computer terminal.

  CUT TO:

  INT. KOREAN GREENGROCERY—DAY

  Sally moves along the salad bar, very selectively assembling a salad.

  SALLY (Voice-over) I never said that. I would never have said that.

  HARRY (Voice-over) All right, fine. Have it your way.

  CUT TO:

  INT. HARRY’S APARTMENT—DAY

  Harry sits on the floor with a deck of cards, pitching them into a bowl.

  HARRY (Voice-over) Have you been sleeping?

  SALLY (Voice-over) Why?

  HARRY (Voice-over) ’Cause I haven’t been sleeping.

  Harry continues pitching the cards. We see the room is bare except for a couple of chairs.

  HARRY (Voice-over) (CONT’D) I really miss Helen. Maybe I’m coming down with something. Last night I was up at four in the morning watching “Leave It to Beaver” in Spanish.

  CUT TO:

  INT. HARRY’S APARTMENT—DAY

  Harry is sitting in a chair, trying to read a book. He has a thermometer in his mouth. He can’t concentrate. He keeps reading the same paragraph over and over.

  HARRY (Voice-over) (CONT’D) “Buenos días, Señora Cleaver. Dónde están Wallace y Theodore?”

  Finally, Harry flips to the last page and reads it.

  HARRY (Voice-over) (CONT’D) I’m not well.

  CUT TO:

  INT. FITNESS CLUB—DAY

  Sally in a tap-dancing class.

  SALLY (Voice-over) Well, I went to bed at seven-thirty last night. I haven’t done that since the third grade.

  HARRY (Voice-over) That’s the good thing about depression. You get your rest.

  SALLY (Voice-over) I’m not depressed.

  HARRY (Voice-over) Okay, fine.

  CUT TO:

  EXT. CHINESE RESTAURANT—NIGHT

  Through the window, we see Sally is going through a very detailed ordering session. The waiter’s trying to keep up. Harry just stares.

  HARRY (Voice-over) Do you still sleep on the same side of the bed?

  SALLY (Voice-over) I did for a while, but now I’m pretty much using the whole bed.

  HARRY (Voice-over) God, that’s great. I feel weird when just my leg wanders over.

  CUT TO:

  EXT. STREET—DAY

  Sally is putting mail into a mailbox, one letter at a time, checking to see that each letter has safely entered the box. Harry stands impatiently waiting.

  HARRY (Voice-over) (CONT’D) I miss her.

  SALLY (Voice-over) I don’t miss him. I really don’t.

  HARRY (Voice-over) Not even a little?

  Harry is getting impatient.

  SALLY (Voice-over) You know what I miss? I miss the idea of him.

  Harry moves around beside Sally and rests his elbow on top of the mailbox, watching incredulously as she continues the ritual.

  HARRY (Voice-over) Maybe I only miss the idea of her. No, I miss the whole Helen.

  Harry’s impatience with Sally’s letter mailing gets the best of him. He impulsively grabs the remaining letters in her hand, opens the box, shoves them in, then hustles her off.

  SALLY (Voice-over) Last scene.

  AND NOW SPLIT SCREEN:

  INT. SALLY’S BEDROOM—NIGHT

  Sally in bed on the phone watching Casablanca on TV and talking to:

  INT. HARRY’S BEDROOM—NIGHT

  Harry in bed on the phone watching Casablanca.

  HARRY Ingrid Bergman. Now she’s low maintenance.

  SALLY Low maintenance?

  HARRY Yeah. There are two kinds of women: high maintenance and low maintenance.

  SALLY And Ingrid Bergman is low maintenance?

  HARRY An L.M. Definitely.

  SALLY Which am I?

  HARRY You’re the worst kind. You’re high maintenance, but you think you’re low maintenance.

  SALLY I don’t see that.

  HARRY You don’t see that? (mimicking her) “Waiter, I’ll begin with the house salad, but I don’t want the regular dressing. I’ll have the balsamic vinegar and oil, but on the side, and then the salmon with mustard sauce, but I want the mustard sauce on the side.” “On the side” is a very big thing for you.

  SALLY Well, I just want it the way I want it.

  HARRY I know. High maintenance.

  Sally smiling.

  Bogart says, “Louie, this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

  HARRY (CONT’D) Ooh. Best last line of a movie, ever.

  As the movie ends.

  HARRY (CONT’D) I’m definitely coming down with something. Probably a twenty-four-hour tumor. They’re going around.

  SALLY You don’t have a tumor.

  HARRY How do you know?

  SALLY If you’re so worried, go see a doctor.

  HARRY No, he’ll just tell me it’s nothing.

  SALLY Will you be able to sleep?

  HARRY If not, I’ll be okay.

  SALLY What’ll you do?

  HARRY I’ll stay up and moan. Maybe I should practice now.

  He starts moaning.

  SALLY Good night, Harry.

  HARRY Good night.

  They hang up. Harry remains in his place among the pillows on his bed. He moans again.

  Sally turns off the light by her bed, and as she does, her side of the screen goes BLACK.

  Another moan from Harry.

  FADE OUT.

  FADE IN:

  EXT. STREET—DAY

  Harry and Sally walking in front of pillars and a building.

  HARRY I had my dream again. Where I’m making love, and the Olympic judges are watching. I’ve nailed the compulsories, so this is it. The finals. I get a 9.8 from the Canadian. I get a perfect 10 from the American. And my mother, disguised as an East German judge, gives me a 5.6. Must have been the dismount.

  CUT TO:

  EXT. CENTRAL PARK ARBOR—DAY

  Harry and Sally in the park on a gorgeous fall day.

  SALLY Basically it’s the same one I’ve been having since I was twelve.

  HARRY What happens?

  SALLY No, it’s too embarrassing.

  HARRY Don’t tell me.

  SALLY Okay. There’s this guy.

  HARRY What’s he look like?

  SALLY I don’t know. He’s just kind of faceless.

  HARRY A faceless guy. Okay. Then what happens?

  SALLY He rips off my clothes.

  HARRY Then what happens?

  SALLY That’s it.

  HARRY That’s it? A faceless guy rips off your clothes. And that’s the sex fantasy you’ve been having since you were twelve? Exactly the same?

  SALLY Well, sometimes I vary it a little.

  HARRY Which part?

  SALLY What I’m wearing.

  Harry reacts.

  SALLY (CONT’D) What?

  HARRY Nothing.

  CUT TO:

  INT. METROPOLITAN MUSEUM—DUSK

  Harry and Sally are walking through the Egyptian Temple exhibit.

  HARRY (in a funny voice) I’ve decided that for the rest of the day we are going to talk like this.

  SALLY (trying to imitate him) Like this.

  HARRY (funny voice) No, please. To repeat after me. Pepper.

  SALLY (trying to imitate) Pepper.

  HARRY (funny voice) Pepper.

  SALLY (laughing, still trying) Pepper.

  HARRY (funny voice) Pepper.

  SALLY (imitating) Pepper.

  HARRY (funny voice) Pepper.

  SALLY (imitating) Pepper.

  HARRY (funny voice) Waiter, there is too much pepper on my paprikash.

  SALLY (imitating) Waiter, there is too much pepper …

  HARRY (funny voice) … there is too much pepper �
� on my paprikash.

  SALLY (imitating) … on my paprikash.

  HARRY (funny voice) But I would be proud to partake of your pecan pie.

  Harry smiles, waits for her to repeat. Sally shakes her head.

  HARRY (CONT’D) (funny voice) But I would be proud …

  SALLY (imitating) But I would be proud …

  HARRY (funny voice) … to partake …

  SALLY (imitating) … to partake …

  HARRY (funny voice) … of your pecan pie.

  SALLY (imitating) … of your pecan pie.

  HARRY (funny voice) Pecan pie.

  SALLY (imitating) Pecan pie.

  HARRY (funny voice) Pecan pie.

  SALLY (imitating) Pecan pie.

  HARRY (funny voice) Would you like to go to the movies with me tonight?

  SALLY (imitating) Would … you … like … to go …

  HARRY (funny voice) Not to repeat, please, to answer. Would you like to go to the movies … with me tonight?

  SALLY (in her regular voice) Oh, oh, oh, I’d love to, Harry, but I can’t.

  HARRY (still in funny voice) What do you have, a hot date?

  SALLY Well, yeah. Yeah.

  HARRY (in his regular voice) Really?

  SALLY Yeah, I was going to tell you, but … I don’t know. I felt strange about it.

  HARRY Why?

  SALLY Well, because we’ve been spending so much time together …

  HARRY Well, I think it’s great you have a date.

  SALLY You do?

  HARRY Yeah. (leaning in conspiratorially) Is that what you’re going to wear?

  SALLY Yeah. Well, I don’t know. Why?

  HARRY I think you should wear skirts more. You look really good in skirts.

  SALLY I do?

  HARRY Yeah. You know, I have a theory that hieroglyphics are really an ancient comic strip about a character named Sphinxy.

  SALLY You know, Harry, you should get out there, too.

  HARRY (in the funny voice again) Oh, I’m not ready.

  SALLY You should.

  HARRY (funny voice) I would not be good for anybody right now.

  SALLY It’s time.

  CUT TO:

  INT. HARRY’S APARTMENT—DAY

  Harry and Sally are unrolling a new rug.

  HARRY It was the most uncomfortable night of my life.

  SALLY Well, the first date back is always the toughest, Harry.

  HARRY You only had one date. How do you know it’s not going to get worse?

  SALLY How much worse can it get than finishing dinner, having him reach over, pull a hair out of my head, and start flossing with it at the table?

  HARRY You’re talking dream date compared to my horror. I started out fine, she’s a very nice person, and we’re sitting and we’re talking in this Ethiopian restaurant she wanted to go to. I was making jokes, like, “Hey, I didn’t know they had food in Ethiopia. This’ll be a quick meal. I’ll order two empty plates and we can leave.” Nothing from her, not even a smile. So I downshift into small talk, and I ask her where she went to school and she says Michigan State and this reminds me of Helen. All of a sudden I’m in the middle of this massive anxiety attack, my heart’s beating like a wild man, and I’m sweating like a pig.